nobody reads this thing but i don't care.

i'm going to update it anyway.
reading those posts i did in february made me nostalgic. but you can't live in the past. you have to be courageous and look forward.
or something like that.
lately i have been having some sort of mental breakdown that has seeped into my blood and made my physical health deteriorate. Since writing that last post i have lost nine pounds. that's about eight percent of my body weight lost. if you consider that i went from 113 to 104, that's significant loss for how small i am naturally. i felt like this summer made me lose balance in a very real sense, made me lose some part of myself that was, beforehand, making me whole.
i lost my security.
i became, in other words, insecure, and i let other people name my value.
there is no crisis of heart greater than this, because then you lose yourself. do you know what i mean?
i have discovered some things.
1. my worth comes from God. He follows me, a gem somewhere in my soul that sustains life.
2. i am worthy of His perfect, unsurpassable, stubborn, jealous love. and i am worthy of loving myself. i'm not talking about arrogance here. i'm talking about being comfortable in my skin. there is a person i know. she is lovely and shines light on me like an angel. when i look at her i see tremendous strength, because she is unafraid to be vulnerable. i see confidence. i used to have this, and then i lost it. i have to find it again. and i can never find it in other people, no matter how i wish to obey my romantic tendencies.
3. i know in my tremendous weakness that i am not alone, and much of the world feels this way.
4. i went to a Catholic church in my neighborhood. i'd never been there before, except once many years ago. i didn't know it, but someone pointed out to me that Catholic churches don't lock their doors. so i went there. it was a thursday, i think. it was in the afternoon, and no one was in there. it was a quiet, peaceful place, with a stone Jesus suspended on the cross before me. i knelt down, looked at this Jesus figure, and something inside me came alive. it was painful; it was like a tender seedling growing through rubble and ruin and soil contaminated by all my worry. i fell in love with Jesus. something happened. i felt in my heart, somewhere deep in the recesses of my heart, that i would follow Him all the days of my life. i didn't care if it cost my life, my love, my dreams, my money, anything. i fell in love with this kind, sorrowful, undiplomatic, unflinching man who is God in the flesh, meeting me where i am and wiping the filth from eyes.
5. i am realizing that i can be incredibly selfish, petty, judgmental, and jealous. sometimes judgment is ok, i think. i mean sometimes you need to evaluate your behavior or someone else's behavior to see what they are made of. that's ok. but the the judgment that says, you are unworthy of Christ's love, which any and all humans are entitled to, this is not what God has called us to. you've heard that old saying about don't pull the speck of sawdust out of your brother's eye before removing the plank from your own. my eyes have planks from here to Antarctica. they are big. they are clouding my vision.
6. pepto bismol does not work. and if you are having stomach problems, you should never eat lobster bisque, or any other bisque really. chowders are also not good.
7. people will fail you. you have to react to this with grace or else it will destroy you. what i mean is, don't have huge expectations that your boyfriend or girlfriend or best friend--they are not here to be your salvation. in a small way they are. if Jesus is a surgeon, then they are nursing assistants or licensed vocational nurses. they can give you some shots, an IV, some morphine, and some stickers after they give you shots. but they aren't here to fix you. if you believe that people are here to fix you, you will become possessive. you will become needy. you will become weary. it will be hard for you to forgive them when they let you down. people are just people--flawed, sometimes thrilling in their beauty, hopelessly confused mortal beings. if you accept this about your loved ones, life will be easier.
don't believe me?
which of the two people do you think were happier in their lifetimes--Mother Teresa or Marilyn Monroe?
Mother Teresa was ready to love and serve people in whatever way she could. she seemed like someone who was more or less comfortable in her own skin, if you ask me. Marilyn, on the other side, was heinously insecure. just look at her eyes the next time you see her picture.
if you are confident in yourself, other people's flaws will not bother you so much. if you depend on other people for your worth, you will become selfish and greedy. their affection will NEVER be enough because you're looking for something they cannot give you. it's unfair. and it really isn't fun.
8. do something, SOMETHING, every day, that nourishes you. i'm not talking about buying yourself pretty things you don't need. i'm talking about going outside and walking. praying. do something good with your hands--plant seeds, bake bread, write a letter, dance with yourself. this will help you love yourself. and then do something good for someone else. it doesn't have to be big. make a promise to yourself that will you do something good for yourself and something good for someone else every day. i swear it makes you feel better.
9. don't hold grudges. i'm serious. don't let people walk all over you. but don't retain bitterness. if you're mad at someone, write them a letter. say whatever you want. if you think they're a cocksucking dickface, write it in the letter. then throw this letter away. bitterness and peace can't exist together.
10. the world is throbbing with beauty, as henry miller says. find it. if you are having trouble finding it, book a flight to Washington state and go to the rainforests.
11. though i have been often racked with misery, it truly is a grand miracle to be alive. it truly is a miracle, to look at your flesh and realize that blood is coursing through you fast and wild like runaway horses, and that your liver is digesting the terribly unhealthy thing you ate for lunch and is not mad at you or kicking your ass because you ate something unhealthy. it is a miracle that your body fights invaders, every cell a vigilant soldier, every cell working together to form something endlessly complex, throbbing, and vital. it is a glorious thing to be alive.
12. no matter what you have done in the past, God loves you. if you don't believe in Him right now, that's ok. He believes in you.